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Living Well Is the Best Revenge

Another dream about Ben.

Can’t remember the nature of the project he and I were involved in together—he kept glancing at his watch—but just as soon as it was over, he was dashing over to the new gf, and they were gonna have fun, fun such as I had never dreamed of having in my entire life. They were gonna show up backstage at some Broadway show, join the chorus for the night! Spontaneously dance on stage! They could do that ‘cause that’s the way real fun rolls!

He had to leave the room for some reason, so naturally I began to go through his pockets. I found lots of weird and interesting stuff, but the only thing I can remember now is a baggie filled with marijuana.

What I remember more vividly is getting anxious that he might notice I had gone through his pockets. Should I bother to come up with a cover story, I wondered? Or should I try to gaslight him? That last would require more aplomb than I could pull off, probably. Like trying to gaslight Donald Trump.

###

When I woke up, I was furious. I get it, subconscious mind! You’re Adele H. You’re a stalker, an emotional hoarder.

But stop.

True, Ben doesn’t deserve a happily-ever-after in which you are completely obliterated.

Ben is a shit. Ben took advantage of you.

But that’s the way it worked out.

He’s happy; you’re not.

Do something about that last. Something constructive.

As Gerald Murphy—Scott Fitzgerald’s inspiration for Dick Diver—once remarked, Living well is the best revenge.

This entry was originally posted at http://mallorys-camera.dreamwidth.org. You may leave comments on either Dreamwidth or LiveJournal if you like.

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( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
katbyte
Aug. 26th, 2018 11:05 am (UTC)
Since I am new to your journal, who is Ben? An Ex husband? I have been there, after a while, you will thank him. Sometimes it feels like forever, but make the best of it. Living Well is the best revenge. True.
mallorys_camera
Aug. 26th, 2018 11:54 am (UTC)
Yes, an X-Husband. :-)
lookfar
Aug. 26th, 2018 01:51 pm (UTC)
One of my favorite maxims as well.

I see that you have seen The Story of Adele H! What a fabulous movie that is! I've only see it once, but thought of it many, many times.
mallorys_camera
Aug. 26th, 2018 02:29 pm (UTC)
GREAT movie, The Passion of Adele H!

Particularly that ending where she passes the object of her obsessive passion on the street, and she does not recognize him. :-)
lookfar
Aug. 26th, 2018 10:25 pm (UTC)
Yes, absolutely that's the best moment. If you like that, take a look at Vagabond with Sandrine Bonnaire. It's another Frenchy movie about people being weird.
mallorys_camera
Aug. 26th, 2018 10:29 pm (UTC)
I've seen it! Big fan of the French New Wave here! :-)
lookfar
Aug. 27th, 2018 01:24 am (UTC)
I just saw that one randomly in a theater and loved it ever since.
lifeinroseland
Aug. 26th, 2018 03:02 pm (UTC)
I still have a fair amount of dreams about my ex, too. (Also ended about 10 years ago!) I don’t get it, either, and they annoy me! Cuz I have to WONDER in the midst of my certainty.

I don’t think it’s a big deal, subconscious! Something to do with... dunno, more what people represent(ed) to you than who they are and how you feel about them.

But it is annoying.
mallorys_camera
Aug. 26th, 2018 04:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you! That makes me feel considerably less pathetic. :-)
bleodswean
Aug. 26th, 2018 04:40 pm (UTC)
Strange how these figures appear. And I know that you know that none of it, really, is about Ben, then or now, but rather about where YOU are now.

When I dream of an ex, it's only two. One I guess I didn't realize at the time was one of those True Loves even though we lived together for five years and we were BABIES! He was 17 and I was 19. When he appears, it's always bearing something of import. I pay attention, although it's jarring and terribly sad to see him in his 20 year old glory. I have not seen him since I was 24 years old and embarking on the new life that has become this life I live. (I typo-ed "lie" instead of "life" there...hmmmm.)

The other ex is a man who claimed absolute true and undying love for me...and when he appears in my dreams it is painfully, WRENCHINGLY SO, obvious in the dreaming that I really never cared for him on any level that was soulful. Ugh. Those dreams are difficult and wreck my mornings with bucketloads of self-loathing.

Anyway. Live Well, m'dear. I think you, actually, already are doing that very thing.
mallorys_camera
Aug. 26th, 2018 04:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks, my friend. XXOO

It's just weird to have two back-to-back dreams about B. I don't usually dream about anyone I know.
bandicoot
Aug. 26th, 2018 06:09 pm (UTC)
Probably just gas ;)
mallorys_camera
Aug. 26th, 2018 06:11 pm (UTC)
"...an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato," as Ebenezer Scrooge would have said. :-)
livejournal
Aug. 26th, 2018 07:31 pm (UTC)
Hello! Your entry got to top-25 of the most popular entries in LiveJournal!
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mallorys_camera
Aug. 26th, 2018 09:46 pm (UTC)
Uncle Vlad's bots are having a slow day, huh?
gansje
Aug. 26th, 2018 08:48 pm (UTC)
It took me very little time to get over my ex; what took years and years to get over was the core anger that I had to muster to walk out. I hadn't realized exactly how furious I actually was with him, and when I gathered the angry moments together and actually inspected them, I was shocked by how massive the pile was. And then I had to get rid of it all, somehow. That was significantly harder than mustering it.

I wonder if your dreams are fueled less by desire and more by fury and confusion. Meaning you are ridding yourself of the anger and whatever else you still harbor towards Ben.

I loved your Adele H. reference, and your dark humor!
mallorys_camera
Aug. 26th, 2018 10:04 pm (UTC)
I really appreciate your perspective. Thanks so much for taking the time to share it.

Honestly, I think I have a variant of Stockholm Syndrome. Connected to my abandonment complex. He was an asshole who did some really terrible things. When you have a kid with someone, of course you have to figure out a way to stay cordial. But there was no need to take that any extra distance. That I did, that some part of me continues to want to do, speaks to some real imbalance in my psyche.
bb_lurks
Aug. 30th, 2018 12:05 am (UTC)

Heaven help us if we got what we’ve deserved.

mallorys_camera
Aug. 30th, 2018 10:58 am (UTC)
Karma dictates that we shall—eventually... :-)
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )